The words I had to say
had washed up at the bottom
of a tin can of cancer -
it's hollow ring sounding
church bells in my head,
while my lover licked
the coffee, henna and chocolates
from the bridge of my palate.
Here was the steady realization
that the conversation had not
run dry with the drink.
With new faith I had long fashioned
the fancy of our fruits, where
he would dig a spade into the heart
of my soul, reaping harvests of colors.
I would serve golden glasses of laughter,
and our tearstains would evaporate
with the years to cling with the dew
on the highest leaves of the
sequoia tree.
More than happenstance pipe dreams, now,
and I can sense the change in the
scent of the cafe: less of chemistry and
more bio-illogical spheres of life.
What more deserved than for a knight,
who found a poet's precious labors
in a taste ordinary -
effervescent, cheap sweetness, dry sodas -
but so slick to trickle down my
parched and raw throat,
finding home in the hydrochloric
lining of my core.
Here, this summer rain blooms
orchards, full of
ink-apples and nightingales singing
"you have something to say."
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,844 Reviews
Wow cool poem!
I really liked this one a lot! I agree with muffin! (EnchantressMuffin) it didn't make sense in some parts but even if it wasn't supposed to be like that it still was a great poem! Good job and keep it up!
This was a nice poem... a little bit hard to understand at times, but making your reader think a little is a good thing, yes?
One thing I didn't understand is how there could be henna on your palate. You don't need to tell me how it got there; I don't really want to know. Unless of course you meant something else, in which case, please enlighten me.
Also, a quick note: As far as I know, sequoias do not have leaves. Perhaps a genetically altered sequoia would have leaves, but an actual sequoia would not.
Just a thought.
I really liked this bit:
"More than happenstance pipe dreams, now"
Something about that sounds so... cool. Points for you.
Well, that's all I can think of for now.
Peace, love, chocolate.
Muffin
Interesting piece.
I was adversed to "Nightingales singing" in here. It seemed so... Ap English induced.
And deary me, what ever would henna being doing in the roof of your mouth? An intriguing quesiton, rather, and one that deems an answer; rhetoric or not. And on that note, perhaps you could describe the chocolate and coffee creviced there ni more detail? I Liked the image brought up at that point, but found it lacking in potential description.
OH!! REVELATION~!~
Have you considered implementing repitition in this? I think it's wonderfully set up to do so. With the possible-repeated line taking on a new level of meaning with each repitition--with each stanza. Yes.. I believe that could work rather well. Also, it would hold the double-purpose of solidifying this poem's rather ambigious 'point], if you will.
Regardless what you choose to do; I'd say this has potential, and I've only skimmed the surface. Good Luck
~Ed